New holidays

I have observed these new national holidays. The especially bad things about these holidays are that (a) they are unscheduled and can happen on any day; and (b) they can happen multiple times in a year:

National Red Traffic Light Day

When every light you hit is red.

National Slow Driver Day

When every driver in front of you is lost, confused, or incompetent.

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

I’ve copied the entire contents of https://www.bar.com/bar-jokes/grammar-walks-into-a-bar here just in case that site ever disappears:

A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

Fire Florida

I just created a MoveOn petition, “Fire Florida”.

It would mean a lot to me if you took a moment to add your name…

To Congress: Declare Florida to be an independent country, no longer part of the United States of America, and with no representation in Congress or the Electoral College.

Details: Florida is demonstrably full of morons. Their inability to understand that a contagious disease is contagious, their inability to elect state-wide officials with even an iota of a clue, not to mention their complete lack of driving skills, means that Florida is a dead weight on America and costs us billions of taxpayer dollars. We must get Florida out of our country whether they can spell America or not. Fire Florida!

https://sign.moveon.org/petitions/fire-florida

Real change happens when everyday people like you and I come together and stand up for what we believe in. Together we can reach heaps of people and help create change around this important issue.

After you’ve signed the petition please also take a moment to share it with others. It’s super easy – all you need to do is forward or share this link on Facebook or Twitter.

Swami Beyondananda on COVID-19

Stressing out about the pandemic? Words of wisdom from the Swami. For example:

Meanwhile, here are three evolutionary practices that will help you turn this time of retreat into an advance:

TANTRUM YOGA. Given how cooped up people are, ranting has become the latest rage on the path to ire consciousness. Thanks to Tantrum Yoga, you can now use your anger to heat your home in the wintertime…

MENTAL FLOSS. In times of stress — particularly if paying attention to the news — thought particles tend to get lodged between the ears, a leading cause of truth decay….

HA-HA-HA BREATHS. As you may know, each of our chakras has a vowel sound associated with it … the solar plexus is “Oh” the heart chakra is “Ah”, and the third eye is “Eee.”…

Click here: https://laughlearnlinks.home.blog/swami-beyondananda-on-covid-19/.

Also see the Swami’s website, https://wakeuplaughing.com/beyondanews.php.

State of the Universe 2020

Swami Beyondananda explains what’s going on and how to fix it. Excerpt:

Meanwhile, in the impeachment case, Republican Senators called it acquits before seeing any evidence they didn’t want to see. Talk about notseeism! Well, as the old saying goes, if it quacks like a duck and steps like a goose, there is something fowl afoot.

Click here: https://laughlearnlinks.home.blog/state-of-the-universe-2020/. This was written between impeachment and coronavirus.

Also see the Swami’s website, https://wakeuplaughing.com/beyondanews.php.