Category: Funny

Laugh links

Guy secrets

Fast and funny. I can’t (or won’t) vouch for all twenty of these, but, for example:

7. “We don’t want to tell you certain things are worrying us because we do not want you to worry too. Now there are just two people worrying, whereas before, one was worrying, and the other was happy, which is a reminder to us not to worry so much.”

14. “If it looks like I’m ignoring you, I’m probably just so deep in thought that I forgot I actually exist.”

https://www.buzzfeed.com/fabianabuontempo/guy-secrets-girls-dont-know-about

From the internet (2015)

I save interesting sayings that I find on the internet. Here are some from 2015 but which still make me laugh… or learn:

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(Still Drinking, http://www.stilldrinking.org/god-s-not-dead-a-film-student-s-review):

“Don’t try to be clever. Just tell the truth.” I am absolutely behind this extremely reusable piece of advice that works in any context outside of politics, job interviews, and first dates.

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An article in Ars Technica:

New neural implant reads a person’s intentions to control robotic arm

“Erik Sorto, 34, has been paralysed from the neck down for the past 13 years. However, thanks to a ground-breaking clinical trial, he has been able to smoothly drink a bottle of beer using a robotic arm controlled with a brain implant.”

And one of the comments:

I admire this man’s priorities.

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A Grand Master was talking to another GM at the chess club.

“I played an anonymous opponent online last night. He was good, I think it was God.”
The other GM replied, “God? Really? You think God plays anonymous chess online?”
“Yes, He was really good.”
“Maybe it was Carlsen, he’s played anonymously before.”
“No, He wasn’t that good.”

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QA Engineer walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a sfdeljknesv.

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Article title in The Register, 9/2015, which made me create an account there:

MAMMOTH MAMMOTH fossil find with BONUS BISON BONE BONANZA

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Karen Ravn (via Ad Astra):

Only as high as I reach can I grow,
only as far as I seek can I go.
Only as deep as I look can I see,
only as much as I dream can I be.

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Personally, I’ve been hearing all my life about the Serious Philosophical Issues posed by life extension, and my attitude has always been that I’m willing to grapple with those issues for as many centuries as it takes. – Patrick Hayden.

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I was not born with enough palms to place over my face.

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Not my circus, not my monkey.

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Perfectionism is a failure to optimize across a complex goal space.

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And when I had a boss who insisted on making everything far more complicated than it needed to be, I came up with this:

When all you have is a hammer with three heads, everything looks like three nails.

Dave Barry Year in Review 2022

Yah, there’s a lot of serious stuff I could do here (if you haven’t heard of ChatGPT, you will), but for the new year, let’s review 2022. Some samples:

MARCH:

In entertainment news, the venerable Rolling Stones announce that they will hit the road this summer for their Drool on the Microphone Tour. This will be the Stones’ seventh tour since 2003, when their physical bodies finally disintegrated into small piles of dust and they were replaced by holograms. The good news is, ticket prices for the new tour will start as low as $150. The bad news is the $150 seats are so far from the stage that the sound will not reach them until after the concert is over.

JUNE:

Johnny Depp wins his historic defamation lawsuit, with the jury ordering Amber Heard to repay the 783 billion person-hours the American public wasted watching the trial. The verdict unleashes a wave of thoughtful media think pieces the likes of which the nation has not seen since Will Smith slapped Chris Rock.

AUGUST:

In other political news, Congress passes the Inflation Reduction Act, which will reduce inflation because it says so right in the title. The act will also lower prescription-drug prices, fix climate change, reform the tax system and provide every qualified American with a puppy. This is viewed as a much-needed win for the Biden administration and a boost for the Democrats heading into the midterm elections, where they could also benefit from the fact that in a number of key races the Republicans have decided, for tactical reasons, to nominate lunatics.

The whole thing: https://www.washingtonpost.com/magazine/2022/12/25/dave-barrys-2022-year-review/

Silly walk calories

Walking like John Cleese’s character, Mr. Teabag, in Monty Python’s famous “Ministry of Silly Walks” skit requires considerably more energy expenditure than a normal walking gait because the movement is so inefficient, according to a new paper published in the annual Christmas issue of the British Medical Journal. In fact, just 11 minutes a day of walking like Mr. Teabag was equivalent to 75 minutes of vigorously intense physical activity per week, presenting a novel means of boosting cardiovascular fitness.

https://arstechnica.com/science/2022/12/adopting-a-silly-walk-like-monty-pythons-mr-teabag-burns-more-calories/

Dating tweets

For examples:

I can tell climate change is real because men aren’t holding as many fish in their dating profiles.

yes!! the place for performative activism is on your dating app profile !! yes!

dating apps are punishment for being single

Men on dating apps keep requiring that I speak fluent sarcasm but they don’t have that on duolingo 😔😔😔😔☹️🙁😩😣😞😔😫😫 what do I do

More at: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/dating-tweets_l_634d9aa8e4b0b7f89f5986c9.

Candy corn tweets

Huffington Post has thoughtfully collected tweets about candy corn for us, just in time for Halloween: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/candy-corn-tweets_l_63471414e4b08e0e607f66bd. (You’ll have to click the link to the actual tweet for some of them.) Some examples:

Me: Sugar is evil and I’m not putting that shit in my body.
Also me: IT’S CANDY CORN SEASON LET’S SNORT SOME

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FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.

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Candy corn is the gateway candy to black licorice.

And…

The most important part of not liking candy corn is telling people.