Category: Funny

Laugh links

Dave Barry Year in Review 2022

Yah, there’s a lot of serious stuff I could do here (if you haven’t heard of ChatGPT, you will), but for the new year, let’s review 2022. Some samples:

MARCH:

In entertainment news, the venerable Rolling Stones announce that they will hit the road this summer for their Drool on the Microphone Tour. This will be the Stones’ seventh tour since 2003, when their physical bodies finally disintegrated into small piles of dust and they were replaced by holograms. The good news is, ticket prices for the new tour will start as low as $150. The bad news is the $150 seats are so far from the stage that the sound will not reach them until after the concert is over.

JUNE:

Johnny Depp wins his historic defamation lawsuit, with the jury ordering Amber Heard to repay the 783 billion person-hours the American public wasted watching the trial. The verdict unleashes a wave of thoughtful media think pieces the likes of which the nation has not seen since Will Smith slapped Chris Rock.

AUGUST:

In other political news, Congress passes the Inflation Reduction Act, which will reduce inflation because it says so right in the title. The act will also lower prescription-drug prices, fix climate change, reform the tax system and provide every qualified American with a puppy. This is viewed as a much-needed win for the Biden administration and a boost for the Democrats heading into the midterm elections, where they could also benefit from the fact that in a number of key races the Republicans have decided, for tactical reasons, to nominate lunatics.

The whole thing: https://www.washingtonpost.com/magazine/2022/12/25/dave-barrys-2022-year-review/

Silly walk calories

Walking like John Cleese’s character, Mr. Teabag, in Monty Python’s famous “Ministry of Silly Walks” skit requires considerably more energy expenditure than a normal walking gait because the movement is so inefficient, according to a new paper published in the annual Christmas issue of the British Medical Journal. In fact, just 11 minutes a day of walking like Mr. Teabag was equivalent to 75 minutes of vigorously intense physical activity per week, presenting a novel means of boosting cardiovascular fitness.

https://arstechnica.com/science/2022/12/adopting-a-silly-walk-like-monty-pythons-mr-teabag-burns-more-calories/

Dating tweets

For examples:

I can tell climate change is real because men aren’t holding as many fish in their dating profiles.

yes!! the place for performative activism is on your dating app profile !! yes!

dating apps are punishment for being single

Men on dating apps keep requiring that I speak fluent sarcasm but they don’t have that on duolingo 😔😔😔😔☹️🙁😩😣😞😔😫😫 what do I do

More at: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/dating-tweets_l_634d9aa8e4b0b7f89f5986c9.

Candy corn tweets

Huffington Post has thoughtfully collected tweets about candy corn for us, just in time for Halloween: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/candy-corn-tweets_l_63471414e4b08e0e607f66bd. (You’ll have to click the link to the actual tweet for some of them.) Some examples:

Me: Sugar is evil and I’m not putting that shit in my body.
Also me: IT’S CANDY CORN SEASON LET’S SNORT SOME

🌽🌽🌽

FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.

🌽🌽🌽

Candy corn is the gateway candy to black licorice.

And…

The most important part of not liking candy corn is telling people.

Worst album covers in the world

Note: NSFW (Not Safe For Work)! And I’m afraid to look up parts 1 through 22.

This one isn’t actually too horrible.

(The article calls this “Conunto Granada” but it appears to actually be “Conjunto Granada.” You can hear one song at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kbe3kHPFiPg. I am hardly an expert on salsa, but the sound does not seem to be much better than the album cover.) https://medium.com/@Colinthecrypto1/the-worst-album-covers-in-the-world-part-23-6d5c8dee656f

Five famous mistakes in songs

Roxanne by The Police:

Inspired by their time in Paris, Sting wrote Roxanne as the story of a man who falls in love with a prostitute after having observed many such ladies outside the band’s hotel room. With a seedy and almost teasing tone to the song, it seemed that the laugh heard at the beginning of Roxanne was something added intentionally. After all, it seemed to compliment the song’s tone and subject matter perfectly.

However, this was revealed to be a complete accident that the band decided to keep in the final recording. It turns out that while in the studio, Sting had wanted to sit down and relax for a moment. Rather than sit on a chair, the singer inadvertently rested his buttocks on the studio’s piano and produced a sound that everyone felt was both amusing and somewhat appropriate for the song.

Also:

  • Master of Puppets: Metallica
  • Good Riddance (Time of Your Life): Green Day
  • Wish You Were Here: Pink Floyd
  • I Feel Fine: The Beatles

https://medium.com/the-riff/5-famous-mistakes-in-iconic-songs-437a1ee2a549

The Register: BOFH

The Register is a Brit technology news publication. One of its features is the BOFH (Bastard Operator from Hell) and his young helper the PFY (Pimply-Faced Youth).

HR has asked the BOFH for all emails (including sent, deleted, and archived emails) for some kind of investigation. BOFH asks for more information on what they need:

“Okay, no problems. Now, do you want his personal email as well?”

“People shouldn’t be using company email for personal business.”

“Yeah sure, and they shouldn’t be using the company photocopiers to check on the progress of suspicious moles on their arses either – but we all do it.”

“What?”

“Not our OWN photocopiers obviously. No, I use the one up in Human Resources.”

https://www.theregister.com/2022/06/17/bofh_2022_episode_11/